5 Ways to be SuperMom Skinny –just kidding. {5 Faves #7}

I would love to say that I run every morning at 5am and eat carrots for lunch, but I –no, I would not love to say that at all.
Try again, Nylorac.carolyNnnnoutwithit!

I would love to say that I step out of Bumpy Bridge House a few times a week in order to participate in the foreign notion of “working out”, but I don’t.

I work in.

To be perfectly clear: This post is written in satire and blatant envy of the healthy kind of thin mommas. You. go. girl. Imma just snooze here and refresh Instagram 5 more times as I imagine my coffee making itself.

FIVE FAVE WAYS TO STAY SKINNY WITH NO general desire TIME TO PROPERLY DO SO. GO.

–1–

The Coffee Diet.
Didn’t you know? It’s the latest thing.
MAIN ingredient for every super mom, right? COFFEE. Co-o-o-o-o-offfffffffffffffffff-ee.ee.e.ee. Just saying it in a strangled, desperate fashion each morning shaves off a lb. Yep, just lost it.

–2–

Breastfeeding Bravado.
Ahh, nature’s liposuction. …in all the wrong places. There actually may be some truth to this fave.

So that’s all fine and dandy, but you want to have the oh-so-enviable out-of-socket, thrown-back catwalk shoulder?

The only way to achieve Runway Shoulders is by spending a full year side-laying, breastfeeding a baby.

Shoulder alteration for life. 4Life.

Identity of model obscured for model’s connection to Special Runway Ops Mom-Trainer (not really. Just playing with the app).

Runway models go through an intensive training program where AP moms instruct the fine art of laying while nursing a child; and then, the models are equipped to utilize these skills on the runway. AP moms are grossly underpaid.

–3–

The Standing-While-Eating program.
I don’t sit down much. If I sit down, the children come, and the children pillage. Then, I no eat.

So either I’m standing and burning the calories I eat, or I have the remaining crumbs of the stolen-by-the-children calories. So really it’s a win-win, one might say.

–4–

Boot Camp for Moms.

You know how when military boot-campers wear backpacks filled with weights and carry their guns while climbing mountains in the desert underwater through the fire?
Nothing. They’ve got nothing.
I wear my 25lb child on my back, while carrying my 30lb child on my front, while bending down to grab juice cup or pacifier, and back up –and back down because 25 pounder slapped it back to the floor– and back up for the second time to haul the heaviest to bed –GAME CHANGER– diaper bomb! Now we bathe.

All of them. No use in prolonged self torture by spacing out the chaos. Toss them all in the tub for full-throttle anarchy, and subsequent profuse sweating by the mother. Calories zapped.

Let me sing you the song of my people.
My oldest is, beyond reasonable doubt, convinced that I am out to water board him every. single. time I rinse his hair with water.
My middle child has no fear of inhaling water.
My youngest is a wet bar of soap personified.
Carry on, soldier.
Minus 10lbs per bath.

–5–

The Cookie Diet.
Total skinny maker.
Because, not really. If I don’t allow some consolation, I’ll end up a closet eater.
The worst thing I could do (in my opinion) is lie to myself about what I’m eating.
So gimme anuzza. zankyew.

And that’s how it’s done, folks.

Linking up with Hallie this week. Please share with me your favorite satirical and completely imagined ways of keeping the poundage at bay- I don’t wanna hear about jogging while grazing on kale. Plain lunacy. I JOKE.

…gag.